The Whinging Pom on Walter Palmer

Walter PalmerSo, a dentist shot a lion named Cecil. Not withstanding the cruelty of calling the king of the jungle Cecil, (‘Good news chaps, James Earl Jones has agreed to do the voice and Disney love it. Now are we sure we’re going with Mufasa? I have another suggestion..’) it’s obvious this was an abhorrent act, made worse by the fact that the animal killed was done so by luring him out of a protected area. The dentist, Walter Palmer, whose attempted justification for Cecil’s slaughter is so full of holes it could be used to strain spaghetti, has since gone into hiding.

As has been commented on in the media already, tragic though Cecil’s killing is, his legacy may just be the best thing to come out of it. Though Palmers vilification by the media is likely to subside and may even be forgotten with time, it is gratifying to see such a vile hobby as hunting being highlighted for what it is.

I could spend all day talking about what a despicable pompous waste of oxygen Palmer and others like him are but that would be to miss the bigger point as to why hunting in general should be blanket banned. What is more interesting is the psyche of such people. I find them quite fascinating; in the way one might find peering down a darkened tunnel to see the grotesque silhouette of a trap door spider lurking at the end of it fascinating. I have heard and read all manner of self delusional, sycophantic clap trap from these people and I thought it might be fun to comment on the twisted rational most commonly espoused by them. We’ll start off with my favourite-

1. Hunting is a sport:
No it’s not. Sports are both fun to watch and to take part in. Ricky Gervais has been quoted as saying ‘if you enjoy seeing an animal terrified or in pain you are a cunt.’ Shooting animals for fun does not make you witty or urbane or give you a story to tell at dinner parties. It’s widely documented that a great many serial killers began their exciting journey into murder and mutilation by the enjoyment they got from killing animals and yet given the opportunity I doubt John Wayne Gacy would ever have been a treasured guest on ‘My kitchen rules’. Accept you’re one step away from being the subject of a one-hour special on the discovery channel and take up golf.

2. Hunting is part of our heritage:
So unfortunately, in both this country and the US, is the slave trade. People who took part in or endorsed it were cunts. So are you: moving on.

3. Hunting is natural; it’s in our genes:
Unless you’re a pygmy warrior in Papua New Guinea, hunting is not, nor has it been for some time natural. The only natural instinct to hunt comes from feeding yourself. If your wallet contains a Tesco club card (or if you’re reading this in the US whatever the equivalent is for Walmart), it’s unlikely you’re ever going to find yourself poised over your local duck pond, spear in hand ready to skewer tonight’s dinner. Most of the pictures I have seen on the internet of some grotesque, shit kicking fat boy posing over a trophy game animal would suggest the majority could do with missing a meal or six anyway. From an evolutionary stand point, mans progress has been exponential over the last few thousand years and whilst most of us have now learnt to walk upright, or even to cook oven chips, grazed knuckles are only indicative of a low IQ not a need to revert back to bagging lunch with a crossbow or a trophy for your wall.

4. Hunting is a lost art:
Thank fuck.

5. Hunting with a gun requires skill and patience:
No it doesn’t. Hunting is not catching a fly with chopsticks. I have had occasion to fire one or two guns in my life and can tell you trigger pulling requires very little effort. When you consider how a significant number of discharges are accidental, indeed by children, you start to understand the skill level required to fire a gun. Of course you could argue the skill is in the application, which in turn is dependant on the theatre it is employed. I couldn’t agree more. The tactics that surround guns are what maketh the man, which is why I have the greatest respect for both the Military and the Police whose opposition are often just as well armed and trained and so are forced to employ admirable levels of skill and patience just to stay alive. However until God invents a bullet proof cheetah that can run at 400 metres per second I fail to see how shooting something that isn’t shooting back at you makes you anything other than a prick.

6. Aren’t some military dudes or cops into hunting?
Alas yes. Which is where my admiration stops. Regardless of how commendable your past may be it does not exclude you from fucking it up. We are not the sum of our past and there is any number of people in responsible jobs that have gone on to tarnish the good work they have done with their action in the present. Dentistry for example.

7. Hunting is traditional:
So were witch-hunts until we realised that it was bollocks.

8. Banning hunting is class discrimination:
Love this one. It’s true Walter Palmer allegedly paid $55,000 to be allowed to hunt big game in Africa legally, firmly placing him in the wallet bigger than dick category. But as recent events in the House of Lords have shown us class is not necessarily inherited, nor should the pastimes of those seen to be above us be indulged just because they cry discrimination. Unless of course wearing a bra and allowing yourself to be photographed snorting cocaine off a hooker is now acceptable. In which case hand me a rolled up fifty pound note.

9. Hunting is a treasured whisper of long lost glory (or some such shit)
Stop reading Wilbur Smith novels.

10. Hunting is humane; the animal has a chance to get away.
Unless of course you’re dug up out of your set like badgers or foxes or specifically bred on a farm like the canned lions of Africa just so some dickless wonder can prove his or her masculinity by carrying out an act that requires so little skill a five year old child could do it. Hunting is never humane. Against a hostile individual or group, the odds are always stacked against you and no matter where you hide sooner or later you will be found and torn apart. A fact I’m hoping, wherever he’s hiding, Walter Palmer has every reason to appreciate now.